It is simply amazing the lengths people will go to shirk responsibility and be utterly snarky about it. I suppose in an unmoderated RPG things will just POOF happen on their own??? Whatever. It's called planning and setting things up and actually communicating some sort of intent. And even then there's never a guarantee. I've had tons of plans that fall through, don't see me whining about it. Real Life happens, and if you're so delusional that we're going to stop everything for a plan which was not followed through nor scheduled in advance, then you can go play with yourself. If you thrive in an moderated RPG, you can go bloody *find* one. The House is NOT a moderated RPG. Nor will it ever be.
So keep spitting at the wind. I'll still be sitting here laughing my ass off.
7:43 AM
ugh. I should keep my big bloody mouth shut.
Let's just nudge it back =before= square one, shall we?
Monday, October 28, 2002
11:15 PM
There is a story by Terry Bisson in FSF 98 or 99... it's too bad they didn't reprint it online. that's fucking scary shit. "Smoother" is the short-short's name, and it's one of my favorite stories because the idea of it is so so so scary to me. Everything will be smoothed out... everything will be normal and good. Have an aspirin. ughhhhh. That freaks me out.
I understand coping reactions very well, thanks. That still doesn't stop being freaked out when someone tries to do that to a situation. granted, I usually rock the boat too much but gods. yes, let's just let it fester. let's just close up even more. let's just hidddeeeeee and make it all smoother.
might as well kill me.
hrm, I should suppress the archives.
anyway, as suspected, back to square one. except not. it's like getting out of jail and being on the go! square. the beginning yet not. yet wrenchingly agonizingly not.
I so cannot talk her down. I hate to elicit Bear's help to this extent, but ughghhghghggghhh. I want to stop the car and stretch legs and get a reality check, and she just wants to floor the gas. while I'm driving. even though I don't want to drive. that doesn't exactly STOP the cycle. it'll end up me yelling at her and she'll clam up and sorry sorry sorry sorry and it'll all go back to where we were before. WHERE I DON'T WANT TO BE!
ugh.
there is a subtle difference between imposing and changing. I expect to be changed. then again, I also expect, no matter how casual a relationship, the other person to show up. glittering glittering lies. what am I, an idiot? "don't fret" is imposing. it's not even needed. I'm -not- fretting. I'm MAD. there is a fucking difference. yeah, great. of course a whiny bunch of entries will earn me the baby talk. cooo cooo nice Shu behave now it's okay okay okay okay.
isn't that NICE. c.f. earlier entry.
hello, you've reached Shusu's redline. please leave a message at the scream.
and the worst part is, the e-mails were either not read carefully or not understood and she doesn't seem to care about that in her rush to smoooth it out smooth smoother smooother smooothest death....
10:59 PM
ahhhhhhh at last. I can journal without upsetting anyone. I should have thought of this the other week. honestly it's getting ridiculous. every expulsion of anger just makes the situation worse. and I'm not even aiming!
still get left alone. alone, what part of that don't people get? how traumatizing is "Yes, I'll go away now because I'm USELESS." Huh, right. Useless is not an excuse to leave me here to deal with all this. right. we'll just dip in the DeNial and hope our eyes don't fall out. uhhh huh.
I feel stupid - but I know it won't last for long
I've been guessing - I coulda been guessin' wrong
You don't know me now
I kinda thought that you should somehow
Does that whole mad season got ya down
I feel stupid but it's something that comes and goes
I've been changin' - think it's funny how now one knows
We don't talk about - the little things that we do without
When that whole mad season comes around
So why ya gotta stand there
Looking like the answer now
It seems to me - you'd come around
I need you now
Do you think you can cope
You figured me out - I'm lost and I'm hopeless
Bleeding and broken - though I've never spoken
I come undone - in this mad season
I feel stupid - but I think I been catchin' on
I feel ugly - but I know I still turn you on
You seem colder now, torn apart, angry, turned around
Will that whole mad season knock you down
So are you gonna stand there
Are you gonna help me out
You need to be together now - I need you now
Do you think you can cope
You figured me out - I'm lost and I'm hopeless
Bleeding and broken - though I've never spoken
I come undone - in this mad season
Now I'm cryin' - isn't that what you want
I'm tryin' to live my life on my own
But I won't
At times - I do believe I am strong
So someone tell me why, why, why
Do I, I, I feel stupid
And I came undone
And I came undone
I need you now
Do you think you can cope
You figured me out - I'm lost and I'm hopeless
Bleeding and broken - though I've never spoken
I need you now
Do you think you can cope
You figured me out - I'm a child and I'm hopeless
Bleeding and broken - though I've never spoken
I come undone - in this mad season
In this mad season
There's been a mad season
Been a mad season
12:46 PM
blah. shit always coalesces when the sky gets heavy and everything gets quiet and cold. feeling like I'm just a burden to other people. every emotion comes equipped with its own guilt trip. yay. it just speeds the rate of my screwing up.
useless, childish, and ugly. of course it has little bearing on what's actually going on, but I'm obliged to treat these emotions as very very real. can't afford to let them go unnoticed, and build in the brain.
Not that I put much weight on that old nasty truism of "they asked for it" but perception does that... you set yourself up to see it, you get what you want. You reap what you sow. human beings are good at getting what they want, even if it's the exact opposite of what they need. So I drift away and of course no one's answering. No one likes it when you cry wolf, even if that's not what you were doing. Even if it was far, far more serious. Of course no one answers because I can't get myself to cry out. Nobody's fault.
I think people forget just how lonely it is up here. A year gone past and I have no close friends here. No one goes with me anywhere. No one talks to me on the phone. I'm starting with a few people in school... but then again I literally have no money to go out. It's not that I can't go out and make friends, but trust takes time. I need trust far more than a multitude of acquaintances.
I suppose the first impulse is to tell me exactly how to fix all that. Like I'm an idiot.
Whatever. It's completely selfish of me to hang my problems with people who have their own problems. I'm hesitant to do that anyway, it's not like I can articulate stuff very well in this state.
There's always the old out-- swallow it and move on. Right. That has been a distressing habit of mine since midway through high school, one I despise myself for. I am so fucking good at it... take one completely reasonable defense, dodge before they hit you where it hurts, and twist it into burning bridges..... hell no. Not going to do that. I'd rather suffer and feel this pain than go back to being numb. It's hard, though. It's a long road ahead of me, as much as behind. It's hard without people who entirely understand.
Why am I afraid to use my voice again.
Because I could lose big, that's why.
I don't even apologize for being so needy. That way lies quick death. Seriously. I really can't. I can't lie about this. But after a while... you know, as the hours churn on, it amazes me that the less entertaining I am, the less people want to stick around. Fair weather, but not foul. I suppose that's not a just thing to say-- having put people through hell. Still, I've stuck by all kinds of people through thick and thin, till they got tired of talking to me... between fine and not-fine, people don't stick around. Even when not-fine is utterly honest and has mitigating circumstances and really is the very best I can do for other people.
Maybe it's the culture? When there's nowhere to move, and family and friends are literally everything -- social, spiritual, financial -- of course you stay loyal. It gets rooted in the instinct to *stay*.
Or maybe everyone wants Shu, and not me. Or most people. Which does not really surprise me. Most people don't want honesty, they want niceness. No reason to begrudge them that.
Besides, if anyone asks, it's so much easier to lie and say it's all okay. So of course nobody comes....
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